High School Essays

[Haunty]

Every year, English teachers from across the country can



submit their collections of similes and metaphors found in actual



high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the



amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's



winners.









1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two



sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.





2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances, like



underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.





3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,



like a hard-on bearer who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without



one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the



country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a



solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.





4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was



room-temperature Canadian beef.





5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog



makes just before it throws up.





6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.





7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.





8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated



because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge



at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.





9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a



bowling ball wouldn't.





10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag



filled with vegetable soup.





11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an



eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00



p.m. instead of 7:30.





12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.





13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you



fry them in hot grease.





14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced



across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one



having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m.



at a speed of 35 mph.





15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket



fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's



teeth.





16. John and Mary had never met. They were



like two hummingbirds who had also never met.





17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River .





18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap,



only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.





19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.





20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,



this plan just might work.





21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating



for a while.





22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but



a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land



mine or something.





23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one



slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.





24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with



power tools.

[Redd]

You should hear the bullshit kids in my classes say, just to get participation points.

[Methuselah Honeysuckle]

[quote name="HbW"]



10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag



filled with vegetable soup.[/quote]



this came in here and took a whole lot of win from a whole lot of places.

[Holocaust]

[quote name="HbW"]22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but



a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land



mine or something. [/quote]



I giggled at this.

[jawn galliano]

[quote name="Redd"] You should hear the bullshit kids in my classes say, just to get participation points.[/quote]



there was some annoying sexy leopard elevator in my 102 class a couple of years ago who was just so incredibly dense and would spout off the most inane, wrong, and stupid interpretations of shit, every single discussion. i think for the first week or so our professor was kind of ok with it because at least she was participating, but after a while, you could see her (the professor) visibly cringe whenever she (the stupid annoying sexy leopard elevator) offered up another one of her retarded insights.



i recall distinctly that we (the class) were discussing where are you going, where have you been, and this bitch tried to explain that it's a retelling of some fucking vampire story, at which point the professor politely but firmly assured her that it, nor anything else previously discussed, nor anything to be discussed in the future, had anything at all to do with vampires (this sexy leopard elevator really, really liked trying to frame everything in a vampire kind of way). i kind of wanted to get up and like give her a high-five for that

[Redd]

Okay, that beats anything anyone in my classes has done. They do often like say some pseudo-intellectual crap with big words that make no sense with what they're trying to say though.

[shadowalk]

Doing essays was one of the few things in school that I really enjoyed.

[Haunty]

[quote name="Redd"]Okay, that beats anything anyone in my classes has done. They do often like say some pseudo-intellectual crap with big words that make no sense with what they're trying to say though.[/quote]



There was one hard-on bearer in my high school, dude named Jonathan Hotard-Resch, who was the king of that. He always dressed up for class, often wearing a tie. Almost everyone thought he was a fuckin' genius, just because of the words he used. In general, he was just annoying to listen to, so nobody actually paid too much attention, because he always raised his hand and spouted off for like five minutes. Eventually, I had this one class where he was talking, and the teacher and I both started paying attention to him for once, and both realized how dumb he was, and the teacher and I suddenly looked at each other with the exact same, apocalyptically confused, WTF face. So I started calling him Hotard-Retard, and the name stuck for the rest of high school.

[baron von blondle]

thats a some golden shining win right there! I make a laughing